Spider Monkey – Jack Tors

The Jerky Boys, Album 4

Title: Spider Monkey

Characters: Jack Tors

Summary: 

“Spider Monkey – Jack Tors” features a high-energy prank call driven by chaotic storytelling and unpredictable humor. The conversation begins with a bizarre premise and quickly escalates. Jack’s loud and erratic delivery keeps the pace fast. Confusion and absurdity build throughout the call. The humor comes from constant unpredictability. Fans enjoy its wild and unconventional style. It stands out from more structured prank calls. A unique and energetic piece of classic comedy.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:02 Voice 1: “Hello.”

0:03 Voice 2: “Hello.”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:04 Voice 2: ‘Hi. I understand you want a monkey?”

0:06 Voice 1: “Yes, I am looking for one.”

0:08 Voice 2: “That’s funny because I have one.”

0:10 Voice 1: “OK. What kind do you have?”

0:11 Voice 2: “I have a small little spider monkey.”

0:14 Voice 1: “Small little spider monkey.”

0:15 Voice 2: “Yeah.”

0:16 Voice 1: “That means it’s a young spider monkey, I guess, because it’s small.”

0:19 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, spider monkeys usually aren’t that big.”

0:22 Voice 1: “Really?”

0:23 Voice 2: “Yeah. And this one won’t have a chance to get big anyhow.”

0:26 Voice 1: “Why is that?”

0:27 Voice 2: “He smokes cigarettes and all that nonsense.”

0:30 Voice 1: “I don’t think they were supposed to smoke.”

0:32 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, he’s crazy.”

0:35 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. Maybe the cigarette smoke did that to him.”

0:38 Voice 2: “Well, this little guy is a nut job. I tried to sleep and all that and he hit me in the face with this little bottle I have next to the bed.”

0:46 Voice 1: “Uh-huh.”

0:47 Voice 2: “He is out of his mind. So I got to get rid of him.”

0:49 Voice 1: “How old is it?”

0:50 Voice 2: “Oh, I’d say about a year, a year and several months. But he is – I used to use him in an act that I did a little night club thing. I used to beat him senseless. And he’s gone crazy, off the wall.”

1:03 Voice 1: “It must have been the beating.”

1:04 Voice 2: “Well, you know, hey, we all suffer now and then.”

1:07 Voice 1: “Yeah. It sounds like he can’t have more now.”

1:09 Voice 2: “Yeah. Well, that’s, you know, sometimes breaks can be tough in life. But this little guy, you know, always when I’m sleeping, he manages to get out of his cage. He’s crazy.”

1:20 Voice 1: “So do you want to sell him?”

1:21 Voice 2: “Yeah. I want to get rid of him. He’s lunatic. He’s going to stab me or something.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Then keep sharp things distance away.”

1:28 Voice 2: “Yeah. He’s crazy. Now you want this little freak?”

1:31 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

1:32 Voice 2: “What do you want him for?”

1:33 Voice 1: “I have a bird-breeding facility with some…”

1:35 Voice 2: “Oh. Forgot this guy with birds. He’ll kill every one of them.”

1:39 Voice 1: “No. I have a bunch of spider monkeys.”

1:41 Voice 2: “I think you might have him spayed so he doesn’t kill the birds.”

1:44 Voice 1: “Well, I have two spider monkeys already that are quite tame.”

1:48 Voice 2: “Oh. You don’t beat them?”

1:49 Voice 1: “I have to.”

1:50 Voice 2: “Right. Oh, you know, what I used to do with this guy, I would fire a hot cup of coffee of them because he’s just drivin’ me nuts and he really doesn’t respond even if I hit him with the hot coffee I kick him up the ass and I just – I don’t need this headache.”

2:05 Voice 1: “Uh-huh. What do you want for it?”

2:07 Voice 2: “Oh. I don’t know. Maybe what? Twenty or thirty dollars? I’d rather get rid of him. He’s a fruit cake. Oh. He got loose. Goodbye.”

2:17 Voice 1: “OK.”