Security Service

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: Security Service

Characters: Jack Tors

Summary: 

“Security Service” features Frank Rizzo turning a simple business call into a loud and chaotic prank. The conversation starts normally but quickly escalates. Miscommunication drives the humor at a fast pace. Frank’s bold delivery keeps the energy high throughout. It captures the raw, unscripted style that made the Jerky Boys famous. Fans enjoy its relatable setup and intensity. The call stands out for its nonstop escalation. A memorable piece of classic prank call comedy.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings.

0:02 Man picks up the phone and says, “Good afternoon!”

0:03 Jack: “Hello!”

0:04 Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:05 Jack: “Hi, is this Security Service?”

0:06    Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:07 Jack: “Yes, I need some security.”

0:08     Voice 1: “Yes.”

0:09 Jack: “Yes, I’m very insecure.”

0: 11    Voice 1: “I’ll be happy to help you, sir.”

0:12 Jack: “Right.”

0:13 Voice 1: “At what location would you want service?”

0:16 Jack: “Well, it’s me personally. I’m just a very insecure person and I need a little help if you could.”

0:20 Voice 1: “Okay, I’ll be happy to help you.”

0:22 Jack: “Sure!”

0:23 Voice 1:  “May I have your name?”

0:24 Jack:  “My name is Jack Tors.”

0:26 Voice 1: “How do you spell the last name?”

0:27 Jack: “Tor…”

0:29 Voice 1: “Aha”

0:30 Jack: “…s”

0:31 Voice 1: “And you want a bodyguard to go with you?”

0:34 Jack: “Oh, no, no, no, I’m just… you know, mentally insecure.”

0:37 Voice 1:  “Yeah.”

0:38    Jack: “And I could just you know could use a talkin’ to or a little beatin’ here and there.”

0:42 Voice 1: “You need a what?”

0:43    Jack: “A whippin’ or talking to.”

0:44 Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:45 Jack: “You know just to keep me in line.”

0:47     Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:48    Jack: “That type of thing.

0:50 Voice 1: “Aha.”

0:51 Jack: “Because I’m a very insecure person.”

0:53 Voice 1: “How old are you?”

0:54 Jack: “I’m 27.”

0:57    Voice 1: “Aha… Okay.”

0:58 Jack: “Alright? You know, sometimes I get aligned with myself and… Really, I’m very insecure.”

01:05 Voice1:  “Aha.”

01:06 Jack: “One time you know I just punched the holes of myself.”

01:10 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

01:11 Jack: “I just… I need a friend is what I am basically trying to say. I’m very insecure, you know?”

01:17 Voice1:  “Hmm. Okay. But, what would you want me to do for you?”

01:22 Jack: “Oh… I don’t know. We could probably just talk and you could keep me in line with a good kick to the nuts or up in the ass once in a while.”

01:29   Voice1:  “Hmm”

01:31 Jack: “I could give you a number.”

01:32 Voice 1: “Okay.”

01:33   Jack: “Okay. 3 2… I just really appreciate it.”

01:38 Voice1: “And what’s your address?”

01:40   Jack: “It’s out in Metropolitan. You know Queens…See, I’m even afraid to go out of the house now and again. I ripped the hair out of my freakin’ head. I’m just so…so insecure.”

01:54 Voice 1:“Well, have you thought about hypnosis that might help you?

01:58   Jack: “Oh, yeah, I tried that once or twice and it’s not… You know, I have a problem with that thing. I come out of the office and… I don’t know. I got a big red shank around me which tells me that something’s wrong. Something’s wrong. When I was [Inaudible 02:11] he must have been touching me or doing something wrong.”

02:15   Voice 1: “I don’t know.”

02:16   Jack: “Yeah, yeah.”

02:18 Voice 1:“So, you are 27 years old.”

02:19 Jack: “Right.”

02:20 Voice 1: “And what kind of work do you do?”

02:21 Jack: “Well, I was in construction and then I was very insecure about that.”

02:25 Voice 1: “Yeah.”

02:26 Jack: “Because I had fallen once or twice.”

02:29 Voice1:  “And what do you do now?”

02:30 Jack: “Well, right now, I was going to be a bar tender but with the women and all, I’m very insecure with that.

02:35 Voice1: “Yeah.”

02:36 Jack: “Yeah, so what I do now… I’ve been off now a couple of months and I just… you know, I get very angry with myself in the house and I throw myself a beating once in a while.

02:46 Voice1: “So, what do you want me to do for you?”

02:49 Jack: “Well, you see it’s hard on myself because I really hurt my hands and once in a while I could use maybe…you just throw a real good, fuckin’ beating on me.

02:58   Voice1: “Well, I need you to come to the office for that kind of therapy.”

03:03 Jack: “Alright, okay. Well, I’ll do that.”

03:05 Voice1: “And I would have to charge you like a 100 bucks.”

03:07 Jack: “Okay, but do you have my number?”  

03:09 Voice1: “Yes”

03:10   Jack: “Okay. That’s it.”

03:11   Voice1: “You want to come in?”

03:13 Jack: “Sure. Can you give me a call back?”

03:15   Voice1: “Sure.”

03:16 Jack: “Okay. I’ve got to run now. I’ve to take care of some groceries and things like that.”

03:21   Voice1: “You want to come in tomorrow at three in the afternoon. I call you back tomorrow to confirm in the morning.”

03:26   Jack: “Right. And this way…This will really help me a lot because this way you or somebody else could kick me up the ass or shoo in the nuts and I wouldn’t have to worry about this by myself because I’m really… It’s driving me crazy.”

03:38   Voice 1: “Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow morning and I’ll remind you. It’s a100 bucks and we’ll schedule you for 3 o’clock tomorrow afternoon. Okay?”

03:45 Jack: “Great, thank you!

03:46 Voice 1: “Okay.”

03:47   Jack: “Bye bye”

03:48 Voice 1: “Bye bye.”