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Pizza Lawyer

The Jerky Boys, album 2

Title: Pizza Lawyer

Characters: Frank Rizzo

Summary: 

“Pizza Lawyer” features Frank Rizzo turning a simple pizza-related issue into a chaotic and hilarious prank call. The conversation begins normally but escalates quickly. Legal-style language adds absurdity to the situation. Frank’s bold delivery drives the humor forward. Confusion builds with each exchange. Fans enjoy its relatable yet exaggerated concept. The call stands out for its fast-paced escalation. A classic example of Jerky Boys comedy.

Transcript:

0:00 Phone rings..

0:03 Voice 1: “Hello.  Legal Referrals.  May I help you?”

0:05 Voice 2: “Hello.  I want to speak to one lawyer please.”

0:09 Voice 1: “Uh… what’s the problem?”

0:10 Voice 2: “I… that-that I must talk to somebody now.  I cannot even think properly.”

0:16 Voice 1: “What is the problem?”

0:17 Voice 2: “I… I went to deliver one pizza.  I knock on wrong door.  The man came out and punched me there, beat me for no reason.  I did knock on wrong door.”

0:31 Voice 1: “Okay.”

0:31 Voice 2: “He’s in underwear and he’s… he’s…. [Inaudible 00:34]… he hit me so hard.

0:38 Voice 1: “Alright, did you already talk to your boss?”

0:40 Voice 2: “Yes,  I did.  I got back to boss.  I’m late 10 minute.  He fire me.”

0:45 Voice 1: “Okay, did you file a police report?  Did you ever contact them?”

0:50 Voice 2: “I’m ready to go police.  Then I thinking what happened.  I just thought that going up on the street and I can’t… I can’t… Crying.”

1:03 Voice 1: “You can’t start crying on the phone on me.”

1:05 Voice 2: “I’m very, very mad.  I think I’m going to… to stab that guy or something.”

1:10 Voice 1: “And when did this happen?”  

1:12 Voice 2: “It has happened right now.  The guy…”

1:15 Voice 1: “[Inaudible 01:15] did you ever call the police department?  I asked you that.”

1:18 Voice 2: “I’m [Inaudible 01:18] that I was going on the way to police and then I threw up and now I must speak to somebody.”

1:25 Voice 1: “Please… the lawyer’s going to make you file a com… a police report.”

1:29 Voice 2: “Oh… and he [Inaudible 01:31]… he took foot and hit my ear.”

1:34 Voice 1: “[Inaudible 01:34] on me.  Then I’ll have to hang up on you.”

1:36 Voice 2: “But then why you de… everybody… nobody gives me break.”

1:40 Voice 1: “Look, the breaks have nothing to do with it.  if you’re going to fall apart…”

1:44 Voice 2: “Crying… he hurt me.…screaming.”

1:55 Voice 1: “Hello.”

1:56 Voice 2: “Crying… he hurt me.”

1:59 Voice 1: “What are you talking about?”

2:00 Voice 2: “He punched me.  Then the man strangled me.  I cannot even think.”

2:06 Voice 1: “Alright, then when you can think, you can call back.”

2:09 Voice 2: “What do… why do you curse me for it.  I need your help.”

2:12 Voice 1: “Look, I already told you three or four times to stop screaming at me.”

2:17 Voice 2: “I am screaming because every time I think about what happened, I get the crazy.”

2:22 Voice 1: “Okay, but that has nothing to do with it.  You’re going to have to pull yourself together and I’ve already asked you to do that three or four times.”

2:29 Voice 2: “But he slapped me three times.  He took my…”

2:32 Voice 1: “[Inaudible 02:32]… That’s not what I’m trying to help you with…

2:34 Voice 2: “He punched me.”

2:35 Voice 1: …doesn’t help.”

2:36 Voice 2: Screaming.  

2:37 Voice 1: “Alright there.  You’re going to have to call back.”

2:39 Voice 2: Screaming and some other noise.