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Dead Pet Removal

The Jerky Boys, album 4

Title: Dead Pet Removal

Characters: Mike Derucki

Summary:

“Dead Pet Removal” features Frank Rizzo turning a sensitive service inquiry into a chaotic prank call. The conversation starts simply but quickly escalates. Miscommunication drives the humor forward. Frank’s bold personality dominates each exchange. The pacing remains intense and engaging. Fans enjoy its unpredictable direction. The call highlights fearless, character-driven comedy. A standout example of Jerky Boys humor.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings

0:03 Female Voice: “Yes, please hold.”

0:04 Mike Derucki: “Hello?” *farts*

0:08 Female Voice: “How can I help you?”

0:09 Mike Derucki: “Yeah, hi honey how you doin’? You remove dead pets?”

0:11 Female Voice: “Pardon?”

0:12 Mike Derucki: “Dead pet removal.”

0:14 Female Voice: “Dead pet removal?”

0:15 Mike Derucki: “Yeah.”

0:16 Female Voice: “Is that what you said?”

0:17 Mike Derucki: “Yeah.”

0:18 Female Voice: “No.”

0:19 Mike Derucki: “Well that’s what it says in the paper there… You remove dead pets.”

0:22 Female Voice: “No we don’t. It’s muc**** 5****.”

0:25 Mike Derucki: “What is that? That’s another number?”

0:28 Female Voice: “Yeah. Where… What kinda pet are you talking about?”

0:31 Mike Derucki: “Well ahh actually I… I.. it’s a little embarrassing. I was a sleeping there on a park bench and a pigeon- ah- seems to have flown up into my ass and died.”

0:40 Female Voice: “Ok well you call muc**** 5****.”

0:44 Mike Derucki: “And ah- can they help me get that out?”

0:46 Female Voice: “Well I don’t know how they’ll do it, but we don’t do it.”

0:48 Mike Derucki: “Ah christ honey this thing is killin’ me. I can’t walk around like this. It’s already dead two o’ three weeks in there. You can’t help me? You people?”

0:56 Phone call ends