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Jack Tors

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Super Gay – the woke version

Title: “Super Inclusive”

[Scene: Two friends, Tom and Jerry, are having a conversation over the phone.]

Tom: Hey Jerry, what’s up?

Jerry: Not much, just browsing through some books.

Tom: Oh cool, what are you reading?

Jerry: I’m actually checking out some LGBTQ+ literature. Trying to educate myself more on different perspectives and experiences.

Tom: That’s awesome, Jerry! I’ve been meaning to do the same. You know, it’s important to be inclusive and understanding of all people.

Jerry: Absolutely, Tom. We live in a diverse world, and it’s crucial to embrace and respect everyone’s identities.

Tom: Totally agree. Hey, speaking of inclusivity, have you heard about that new LGBTQ+ support group starting in our community?

Jerry: Yeah, I have! I think it’s fantastic that there’s a safe space for individuals to come together, share their stories, and support each other.

Tom: Exactly. It’s crucial for people to feel accepted and supported for who they are.

Jerry: Absolutely, Tom. Hey, let’s make sure to spread the word about the support group and encourage others to join in creating a more inclusive environment for everyone.

Tom: Definitely, Jerry. Thanks for bringing it up. It’s conversations like these that help promote understanding and acceptance.

Jerry: Anytime, Tom. Remember, love is love, and everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

Tom: Couldn’t have said it better myself, Jerry. Thanks for the enlightening chat.

Jerry: No problem, Tom. Catch you later!

[Tom and Jerry hang up, both feeling uplifted and empowered by their conversation promoting inclusivity and understanding.]

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Paradise – the woke version

Title: “Inclusive Paradise”

[Scene: A serene garden setting. Two individuals, Alex and Pat, sit on a bench, admiring the surroundings.]

Alex: Hey, Pat, isn’t this place just absolutely divine?

Pat: It sure is, Alex. The tranquility here is truly remarkable.

Alex: You know what? I can’t help but feel like this place could be even more welcoming to everyone.

Pat: What do you mean?

Alex: Well, for starters, the term “paradise” has some exclusionary connotations. I think we should call it something more inclusive, like “Harmony Haven” or “Unity Utopia.”

Pat: Ah, I see where you’re coming from. We should strive for language that doesn’t unintentionally marginalize anyone.

Alex: Exactly! And speaking of inclusivity, I think we should ensure that all beings feel welcome here. That means accommodating various dietary preferences, providing accessibility features for differently-abled individuals, and respecting all cultural practices.

Pat: That’s a fantastic idea, Alex. We should aim to create a space where everyone feels valued and respected.

Alex: And let’s not forget about our environmental impact. We need to prioritize sustainability and conservation efforts to preserve this beautiful ecosystem for generations to come.

Pat: Absolutely. We have a responsibility to be stewards of the environment and protect the natural beauty of this place.

Alex: I’m glad we’re on the same page, Pat. Together, we can make Harmony Haven a truly inclusive and sustainable paradise for all.

[They smile and continue to enjoy the serene atmosphere, committed to their vision of a more inclusive world.]

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The Gay Model – the woke version

Title: “The Progressive Model”

[Interior: A busy photography studio. Background noise of cameras clicking and people chatting. We hear a phone ringing, and Johnny, the woke photographer, picks up.]

Johnny: Hello, this is Johnny, spreading love and acceptance through art. How may I assist you today?

Caller: Hi there, I saw your ad for a model. I’m interested.

Johnny: Absolutely, we welcome all identities and expressions here. Tell me about yourself.

Caller: Well, I’m a queer individual, non-binary, and I love to express myself through fashion.

Johnny: That’s wonderful! We celebrate diversity and self-expression in all its forms. Can you tell me more about the kind of shoot you’re interested in?

Caller: I’m envisioning something avant-garde, pushing boundaries and challenging societal norms.

Johnny: Fantastic! We’re all about breaking down barriers and challenging stereotypes. When would you like to schedule your session?

Caller: How about next Saturday?

Johnny: Perfect. I’ll pencil you in. And remember, you’re free to be your authentic self here. We’ll create something truly beautiful together.

Caller: Thank you so much! Looking forward to it.

[They hang up, and Johnny smiles, feeling fulfilled in his mission to create inclusive art.]

[End of skit]

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The Call for Inclusive Movement

[The scene opens with a phone ringing.]

Caller: Hello?

Receiver: Hi there, this is the Diversity and Inclusion Hotline. How can we assist you today?

Caller: Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been feeling this urge to express myself through movement, but I want to make sure I’m doing it in a way that’s respectful and inclusive of all cultures and identities.

Receiver: That’s wonderful to hear! We fully support your desire to dance with inclusivity in mind. Can you tell me more about the kind of movement you’re interested in?

Caller: Well, I’ve been listening to a variety of music from different cultures, and I want to incorporate elements from each into my dance. But I want to make sure I’m not appropriating anyone’s culture or perpetuating stereotypes.

Receiver: Absolutely, cultural appreciation without appropriation is key. It’s great that you’re mindful of this. How about we brainstorm together some ways to blend these cultural influences respectfully?

Caller: That would be fantastic! I’ve been particularly drawn to African beats and Latin rhythms, but I’m not sure how to incorporate them authentically.

Receiver: How about studying the history and context of each cultural dance form? Understanding the significance behind the movements can help you appreciate and interpret them respectfully.

Caller: That makes a lot of sense. I definitely want to honor the origins and meanings behind these dances.

Receiver: And remember, it’s also important to ensure diversity in the representation of dancers. Embrace inclusivity by inviting people from various backgrounds to join you in your dance expression.

Caller: Yes, I want everyone to feel welcome and celebrated in this space. Thank you so much for your guidance.

Receiver: You’re very welcome! If you have any more questions or need support along your journey to inclusive dancing, don’t hesitate to reach out. We’re here to help.

Caller: I will, thank you. Have a wonderful day!

Receiver: You too, take care!

[The call ends with a sense of empowerment and enthusiasm for embracing inclusive dance practices.]

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Tennis Ball Machine – the woke version

Title: “Inclusive Tennis Ball Machine”

[Setting: A tennis court. Two players, Alex and Sam, are engaged in a match. On the sidelines, there is a tennis ball machine.]

Alex: (hits the ball) Nice shot!

Sam: Thanks, Alex! (prepares for the next serve)

[Alex serves again, but the ball machine starts malfunctioning, shooting balls everywhere.]

Alex: Whoa, what’s going on with the machine?

Sam: I’m not sure, it seems to be malfunctioning.

[They both cautiously approach the machine.]

Alex: Maybe it needs some adjustments.

Sam: Yeah, let’s see if we can fix it.

[Alex and Sam start examining the machine, trying to figure out what’s wrong.]

Alex: Wait, I think I see the issue. The settings are all messed up.

Sam: Oh, you’re right. It’s set to only serve balls at a certain speed and angle.

Alex: That’s not inclusive at all. We need to make sure everyone can play comfortably.

Sam: Absolutely. Let’s adjust it to accommodate players of all levels and abilities.

[Alex and Sam work together to reconfigure the machine, setting it to varying speeds and trajectories to cater to different players.]

Alex: There, that should do it.

Sam: Great job, Alex. Now everyone can enjoy playing without feeling excluded.

[They test the machine, and it works perfectly, serving balls in a diverse range of speeds and angles.]

Alex: Perfect! Now, who’s up for a game?

Sam: I’m in! Let’s play.

[They resume their match, with the inclusive tennis ball machine serving balls perfectly.]

[The scene fades out with Alex and Sam enjoying their game, showcasing the importance of inclusivity in sports.]

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Florida the Tropical State – the woke version

Title: “Florida: The Sunshine State of Diversity”

[Scene: A diverse group of individuals are gathered in a community center, engaging in various activities. The atmosphere is welcoming and inclusive.]

Caller: Hello, I’m calling to inquire about the beautiful state of Florida.

Volunteer: Absolutely! Welcome to our discussion on Florida, a state rich in diversity and culture. How can I assist you?

Caller: Well, I’ve heard about Florida’s stunning natural landscapes and vibrant communities. Could you tell me more about what makes Florida unique?

Volunteer: Of course! Florida is indeed known for its diverse ecosystems, from the Everglades to its pristine beaches. But what truly sets Florida apart is its people. Our state is a melting pot of cultures, with influences from all over the world.

Caller: That sounds fascinating! I’ve also heard about Florida’s rich history. Can you share some insights?

Volunteer: Certainly. Florida’s history is complex and multifaceted. From the indigenous peoples who first inhabited this land to the waves of immigrants who have come here seeking a better life, each group has left its mark on our state’s cultural tapestry.

Caller: Wow, I had no idea Florida had such a diverse heritage. Are there any specific initiatives in place to promote inclusivity and equality in the state?

Volunteer: Absolutely. Florida is committed to fostering a welcoming environment for all its residents. We have various programs and organizations dedicated to promoting social justice, equity, and inclusion across the state.

Caller: That’s wonderful to hear. I’m eager to visit Florida and experience its beauty and diversity firsthand.

Volunteer: We would be delighted to welcome you! Whether you’re exploring our natural wonders, sampling our diverse cuisine, or immersing yourself in our vibrant arts scene, there’s something for everyone here in the Sunshine State of Diversity.

Caller: Thank you so much for all the information. I can’t wait to plan my trip to Florida!

Volunteer: It’s our pleasure. We look forward to seeing you soon. Remember, Florida welcomes you with open arms and embraces all who call it home.

[The call ends with a sense of warmth and inclusivity, reflecting the spirit of the woke version of the skit.]

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Pulling Furniture – the woke version

Title: “Respectful Furniture Acquisition”

[The scene opens with two individuals, Alex and Pat, discussing the need for furniture in their apartment. Alex is eager to acquire some, but Pat is concerned about respecting the environment and the rights of workers.]

Alex: Yo, Pat, we gotta get some furniture for our place, man. It’s lookin’ bare bones in here.

Pat: Yeah, I hear you, Alex, but I’ve been thinking. We need to be mindful of where our furniture comes from and how it’s made.

Alex: What do you mean?

Pat: Well, you know, a lot of furniture these days is made in factories with poor working conditions and low wages. Plus, there’s the environmental impact of mass production and deforestation.

Alex: Damn, I never thought about that. So, what do we do?

Pat: We need to find sustainable and ethically made furniture. Something that’s good for the planet and supports fair labor practices.

Alex: Alright, I’m down with that. But where do we even start looking?

Pat: Let’s do some research online and see if we can find local artisans or companies that prioritize sustainability and fair trade.

[Alex and Pat spend hours researching and finally find a local furniture maker who uses reclaimed wood and pays fair wages to their workers.]

Alex: Yo, Pat, check it out! I found this dope furniture maker who’s all about sustainability and fair labor practices.

Pat: That’s awesome, Alex! Let’s reach out to them and see if they have anything that would fit our place.

[They contact the furniture maker and arrange to visit their workshop. They find the perfect pieces for their apartment, including a reclaimed wood dining table and chairs.]

Alex: This stuff is amazing! And knowing it was made with care for both people and the planet makes it even better.

Pat: Absolutely, Alex. It feels good to know that our furniture choices align with our values.

[Alex and Pat purchase the furniture, feeling proud of their conscious consumerism and commitment to making ethical choices.]

Alex: Our place is really coming together now.

Pat: Yeah, and it’s all thanks to being mindful of where our furniture comes from. Plus, it looks damn good!

[They share a fist bump as the scene fades out, highlighting the importance of conscious consumerism and ethical sourcing in everyday life.]

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I Pickle They – the woke version

Title: “The Ethical Artisanal Pickler”

Characters:

  1. Alex: A socially conscious artisanal pickler.
  2. Sam: A potential customer interested in Alex’s pickles.

[Scene opens in a quaint, eco-friendly farmer’s market where Alex is proudly displaying their organic, locally sourced pickles.]

Alex: (enthusiastically) Welcome to my pickling stand, where we celebrate sustainability and flavor fusion! How may I assist you today?

Sam: (curiously) Hi there! I’ve heard great things about your pickles. What makes them so special?

Alex: (beaming) Oh, I’m glad you asked! Our pickles are crafted with love and care, using only the freshest, ethically sourced ingredients. We’re committed to supporting local farmers and reducing our carbon footprint.

Sam: (impressed) That’s amazing! I love supporting businesses with values like yours. What flavors do you offer?

Alex: (excitedly) We have a diverse range of flavors, all inspired by global culinary traditions while being mindful of cultural appreciation and authenticity. From classic dill to spicy kimchi, there’s something for everyone.

Sam: (nodding) Wow, you’ve really thought of everything. I’ll take a jar of your classic dill pickles, please.

Alex: (gratefully) Absolutely! Thank you for supporting ethical and sustainable food practices. Your jar of pickles is not just a snack—it’s a small step towards a better world.

[They exchange smiles as Sam walks away with their jar of pickles, feeling good about their purchase.]

[End scene]

This revised skit maintains humor while focusing on themes of sustainability, ethical sourcing, and cultural appreciation. It avoids potentially offensive language and stereotypes, promoting a more inclusive and respectful narrative.

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Moonlight Matinee – The Jerky Tapes

00:00 Jack Tors: “Hello?”

00:01 Speaker 2: “Yeah, I’m calling from Mr. Getzof’s office. This is Janet [beep].”

00:04 Jack Tors: “Who is this?”

00:05 Speaker 2: “I just called about two minutes ago, and he told me to call back.”

00:08 Jack Tors: “Who is this?”

00:10 Speaker 2: “Are you going to play with me?”

00:12 Jack Tors: “Who is this?”

00:13 Speaker 2: “Janet [beep].”

00:14 Jack Tors: “Okay, listen. Mr. Getzof just went to the store. Okay. You don’t have to be nasty.”

00:19 Speaker 2: “No, no, look, I’m not being nasty with you. Okay. I had a 10-minute conversation with this man who’s playing with me, and I don’t think it’s funny, okay.”

00:27 Jack Tors: “Who is this? Ma’am, you didn’t call here. I’ve been here.”

00:30 Speaker 2: “Oh, I’m so… this is… is this [beep]?”

00:33 Jack Tors: “Yes, it is.”

00:35 Speaker 2: “Well, I did just call there. And I spoke to some man at Kibble, and he give me a hard time. Okay?”

00:39 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel? Yes, he actually is the super of the building. He takes care of this building.”

00:46 Speaker 2: “Okay. I’m calling from Moonlight Matinee Production. I told him I just wanted to get the address over there so I can send over a compilation tape. It’s not a difficult thing. I don’t mean to get attitude with you. Okay.”

00:57 Jack Tors: “Listen.”

00:57 Speaker 2: “But I don’t know what this man told me. Okay?”

01:00 Jack Tors: “I just sent the little fucker out to the store for me. Okay? We had a fight last night too. Things don’t go easy anybody.”

01:05 Speaker 2: “Alright. I was [beep].”

01:07 Jack Tors: “Okay.”

01:08 Speaker 2: “[beep] talk to me. Okay.”

01:08 Jack Tors: “I just slapped him right in the face.”

01:09 Speaker 2: “Now you got another person on the phone –”

01:11 Jack Tors: “Who’s this?”

01:12 Speaker 2: “– playing with me, too.”

01:13 Jack Tors: “Who’s this?”

01:14 Speaker 2: “My name is Janet [beep]. I told you that, and I told your friend that. And I told Mr. Kissel that, and now I told another person that, too.”

01:21 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel is not –”

01:22 Speaker 2: “Put another person on the phone and I’ll tell that, too. I tell you ten times throughout the day. Okay?”

01:26 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel is not my friend. He’s the super.”

01:28 Speaker 2: “I don’t — look. Mr. Getzof is the super of the building?”

01:31 Jack Tors: “Mr. Getzof is not the super, no.”

01:34 Speaker 2: “Look.”

01:36 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel is the super. I mean, if you keep raising, I’ll slap your face with this.”

01:39 Speaker 2: “No, no. No, you won’t. No, you will not slap my face because I’m gonna come over there and slap your face, too.”

01:44 Jack Tors: “That’s not nice the way you’re speaking to me.”

01:47 Speaker 2: “I get the run-around from all you people. And you know what? I’m not gonna sing with you. Once Mr. Getzof,  if you keep on doing that shit.”

01:55 Jack Tors: “Listen, I’m his roommate. That’s all I know.”

01:58 Speaker 2: “Okay. Could I get your address, please, so I could just send out this tape already?”

02:00 Jack Tors: “It’s [beep]. You knew that, he told you that. Stop making a –”

02:04 Speaker 2: “No, no, no. He did not tell me that. Because if he had told me that, I would not be calling you back right now.”

02:09 Jack Tors: “Well, he said he –“

02:10 Speaker 2: “Do you think I don’t have better things to do with my time than call you people back five times a day?”

02:14 Jack Tors: “Well, he told me that he gave it to you [beep].”

02:16 Speaker 2: “I don’t care what he told you.”

02:17 Jack Tors: “He said you lose it all the time. You’re losing it.”

02:20 Speaker 2: “No. Listen, baby; I don’t lose it, okay. I have a business. Okay. And I don’t have time for you people, with your attitude. Now give me the zipcode there, please, and the apartment number.”

02:31 Jack Tors: “The zipcode. I don’t… oh my god, I don’t know it. Hold on. Let me see.”

02:34 Speaker 2: “Listen, baby. I don’t mean to get on with you, but I don’t like…”

02:37 Jack Tors: “Okay, the zip code is 11234.”

02:43 Speaker 2: “Is there an apartment number there?”

02:44 Jack Tors: “The apartment is 3A.”

02:46 Speaker 2: “3A, alright. Well, I’m gonna send this tape out.”

02:49 Jack Tors: “Yeah. Well, he’s crazy. You know, I just sent him out. He’s a fucking douche bag. I slapped him silly last night, but he said he gave it to you so many times and that you just lose it. Everything. You lost.”

03:00 Speaker 2: “Who said what?”

03:01 Jack Tors: “Mr. Getzof said that he gave you the address a billion times, and you keep losing shit.”

03:04 Speaker 2: “Listen, baby. If the man had given me the address, I would’ve sent the tape to him, and you would have gotten the tape about a week ago. Okay.”

03:12 Jack Tors: “Yeah. Well…”

03:13 Speaker 2: “Yeah. Uh-huh, yeah. Okay.”

03:16 Jack Tors: “Okay, you’re being very, very verbacious with me.”

03:19 Speaker 2: “I’m being what?”

03:20 Jack Tors: “I didn’t… you know, I’m not asking for this viciousness, you know.”

03:24 Speaker 2: “I’m not asking for ten different people to pick up the phone. Okay? I call his office; I get this man, and this man tell me to call that man. Then that man tells me to call that man. Okay? I’ve had it with you people.”

03:35 Jack Tors: “But, the vibe I’m getting is very deceitful.”

03:36 Speaker 2: “The vibe is bullshit. Okay? Just tell the man, he’s gonna get the tape. And you know what? The man’s lucky if I’m gonna sing for him at this point.”

03:44 Jack Tors: “Well, Mr. Kissel can book you on the Howard Stern Show.”

03:49 Speaker 2: “You know what, fuck that man.”

03:50 Jack Tors: “You don’t like Mr. Kissel?”

03:51 Speaker 2: “No, I don’t like all of it. And you know what? I don’t like you.”

03:55 Jack Tors: “Well, what the hell did I do to you?”

03:56 Speaker 2: “You given me attitude like that other man!”

04:00 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel can book you on the Howard Stern Show. I mean, that’s publicity. Is that what you’re… I mean…”

04:05 Speaker 2: “Listen to me, people. Okay. I do not like this Howard Stern, okay. Or that Robin bitch that he works with. Okay. [beep] okay?”

04:15 Jack Tors: “Wow. That’s… I mean, I don’t understand you. I mean…”

04:18 Speaker 2: “You don’t need to understand me. You know what? You don’t understand. You do not understand. And you don’t need to understand. The only thing you have to understand is that you gave me the address. I have the address written down now. I don’t care what Mr. Getzof told you. He did not give me the address. You people are playing with me. And it ain’t funny.”

04:35 Jack Tors: “Well, Howard could lighten the mood for you. He could make you dance and things like that. He could make it –”

04:38 Speaker 2: “Look baby, when I’m on stage, and I dance, it’s good. Okay. I don’t need a white man with the hair and the fucking bullshit to make me dance, okay. I don’t have time for bullshit. You trying to tell me how to do my job now?”

04:50 Jack Tors: “Okay, but if you pull this attitude with Howard, he’ll…”

04:52 Speaker 2: “No, no, no. I’m not pulling any attitude with Howard. I don’t care about Howard. I don’t wanna meet the man.”

04:57 Jack Tors: “He will slap you all over the place.”

04:58 Speaker 2: “No, no, babe. No. Nobody is slapping me. Okay. I’ll come over there and smack your arse first.”

05:03 Jack Tors: “Well, he’ll slap you all over…”

05:04 Speaker 2: “Nobody will slap me.”

05:05 Jack Tors: “Howard? You don’t know him.”

05:06 Speaker 2: “I’ve got this address, okay. I don’t have time for this bullshit.”

05:08 Jack Tors: “Okay. I’m just saying. If we put you on…”

05:10 Speaker 2: “I don’t have time for the bullshit.”

05:12 Jack Tors: “If we put you on Stern, and you get like this…”

05:14 Speaker 2: “I don’t have time for the bullshit.”

05:17 Jack Tors: “Okay, then you don’t…”

05:18 Speaker 2: “I don’t care about that fucking Howard Stern.”

05:20 Jack Tors: “We could put you on his show.”

05:21 Speaker 2: “I don’t care, bitch. I don’t care.”

05:24 Jack Tors: “Well, he will slap you crazy if you come this way.”

05:26 Speaker 2: “You know what? I’m gonna hang up now too.”

05:27 Jack Tors: “He’ll put you…”

05:27 Speaker 2: “You tell Mr. Kissel to s*ck my b*lls. Okay?”

05:30 Jack Tors: “Mr. Kissel, what?”

05:32 Speaker 2: “He can s*ck my b*lls. Okay?”

05:35 Jack Tors: “See, that’s not nice.”

05:36 Speaker 2: “So, is nice. Okay? It’s very nice.”

05:38 Jack Tors: “Why are you so hostile?”

05:39 Speaker 2: “Okay, I’m gonna go now. I got the… You tell Mr. Getzof, wherever he is, I’m gonna send the tape to him, and I’m very much looking forward to talking  to him. We’ll working out some kind of a, you know, business agreement.”

05:50 Jack Tors: “Mr. Getzof is a big fat ass. You put me in this predicament. I’m answering the phones for that fat bastard.”

05:55 Speaker 2: “Okay, babe. Imma go. I have the address. You just tell him I’m gonna send him the tape because I don’t have time for this. I gotta go.”

06:00 Jack Tors: “Okay, sweetheart.”

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