Best Jerky Boys Quotes

The lines people still quote

Before viral videos and before everyone recorded every call, the Jerky Boys put characters on a telephone and did not break. Fans passed the albums around and memorized the lines. The quotes below are from those calls — not generic prank-call filler.

Each line links to the original skit on this site. Where we already print it, you can buy it. Where we do not, tell us and we will email you when it exists.

Frank Rizzo · Sol Rosenberg · Jack Tors · Kamal · Lines that named albums · Shop the quotes

Frank Rizzo

Queens tough guy. This is the voice most people mean when they say Jerky Boys.

“Look jerky, I don’t need to talk to you.”
“GET BRETT WEIR I SAID!!!!”
“You got it, punk!”

Super Across the Way · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop “Look Jerky”

“Should I bring my fuckin’ tools?”
“I’ll work circles around ya. I’ll wrap your fuckin’ head in with a ratchet!”
“So I’ll see you tomorrow with my tools, fuck face.”

Auto Mechanic · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop the closer · Mechanic hat · Rizzo Auto Repair

“Well, here’s the problem, jerky.”
“It’s tan. It’s like a tan or sandalwood, whatever the fuck you guys call it.”
“Don’t give me this somewhat shit. It’s always a problem with you guys.”
“Frank Rizzo. Open your fuckin’ ears, jackass.”

Irate Tile Man · Album 1 opener

Listen to the skit · Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

“What’s so silly about the pizza?”

Silly Food · Album 3

Listen to the skit · Shop “I’m Silly Silly”

“My chest looks like a fuckin’ wet blanket.”
“I eat raw meat. I shit vegetables.”
“Hey there, chisel chest!”

Body Building

Listen to the skit · Shop Sizzle Chest

“I weigh 245. I got hamstrings like animals.”
“They call me Big Hock!”

Big Hock

Listen to the skit · Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

“How do ya say there, bottlenose?”

Hucklebuck

Listen to the skit · Shop bottlenose · Shop Hucklebuck

“I’ll see you with my nub.”

Shop this line

“It’s a fucking tuba!”

Shop this line

“Gazpacho muy caliente!”

Shop this line

“He’s full of fuckin’ shit!”

Shop this line

“I need to dance, you fucker!”

Shop this line

“Nelson?”

Shop this line

“Jimb.”

Shop this line

“Oh, it’s appropriate!”

Shop this line

Sol Rosenberg

The opposite of Rizzo. Neurotic, polite, and always falling apart.

“Hello, I bought glasses there. My name is Sol Rosenberg.”
“And my eyes are going crazy.”
“Should I bring all my glasses with me?”

Sol’s Glasses · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop Sol’s Glasses of New York

“God help us. God help us. Jesus, God n Baby Jesus help us!”

Sol’s Phobia · Album 2

Listen to the skit · Shop Baby Jesus

“I have uddah lawn chairs.”
“I don’t think I can walk no more…”

Shop this line

“Piss clams.”

The nudus-camp call

Shop the tee · Shop the hat

“He said bad, awful things and I fell down the stairs, and my shoes fell off.”

Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

Jack Tors

When asked to spell the last name: “T-o-r… s.”

“I pickle they.”

I Pickle They

Listen to the skit · Shop the tee · Frank’s Pickle Barrel-Ass

“T-o-r… s.”

Want this on a hat? Tell us.

Kamal

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“My daughter is sick, my wife is sick, and you’re talking about coupon?”

Terrorist Pizza · Album 2

Listen to the skit · Want “coupon” on a shirt? Tell us.

Lines that named albums

Two Jerky Boys calls walked out of Queens and onto other people’s record sleeves.

“Pablo, honey. Please come to Florida.”
“Pablo, honey. Are you washing your ass, Pablo?”
“Keep yourself clean, honey.”

Pablo Honey · Album 2. Radiohead named their debut after this call and sampled it on “How Do You?”

Listen to the skit · Shop the tee · Shop the hat

“My wife loves that Greek shit. She’ll suck your cock like souvlaki.”

Hotel-manager call. Slowdive named their second album Souvlaki after this line.

Want a Souvlaki wordmark? Tell us.

Shop the quotes

These are the lines we already print. Character portraits and logo gear live in t-shirts and hats.

Want a line we do not print yet?

If a quote above has no shirt, or you have another one you actually wear, leave your email. When we make it, we will tell you. No newsletter, just that product.

Why these quotes still work

Character, not a punchline

Frank Rizzo is aggressive confidence. Sol Rosenberg is nervous confusion. Jack Tors lives in total misunderstanding. The line is funny because the person saying it will not drop the bit.

Ordinary places

Tile shops, mechanics, opticians, pizza counters. The calls work because the other person thinks it is a real day at work.

The lines people still quote

Before viral videos and before everyone recorded every call, the Jerky Boys put characters on a telephone and did not break. Fans passed the albums around and memorized the lines. The quotes below are from those calls — not generic prank-call filler.

Each line links to the original skit on this site. Where we already print it, you can buy it. Where we do not, tell us and we will email you when it exists.

Frank Rizzo · Sol Rosenberg · Jack Tors · Kamal · Lines that named albums · Shop the quotes

Frank Rizzo

Queens tough guy. This is the voice most people mean when they say Jerky Boys.

“Look jerky, I don’t need to talk to you.”
“GET BRETT WEIR I SAID!!!!”
“You got it, punk!”

Super Across the Way · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop “Look Jerky”

“Should I bring my fuckin’ tools?”
“I’ll work circles around ya. I’ll wrap your fuckin’ head in with a ratchet!”
“So I’ll see you tomorrow with my tools, fuck face.”

Auto Mechanic · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop the closer · Mechanic hat · Rizzo Auto Repair

“Well, here’s the problem, jerky.”
“It’s tan. It’s like a tan or sandalwood, whatever the fuck you guys call it.”
“Don’t give me this somewhat shit. It’s always a problem with you guys.”
“Frank Rizzo. Open your fuckin’ ears, jackass.”

Irate Tile Man · Album 1 opener

Listen to the skit · Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

“What’s so silly about the pizza?”

Silly Food · Album 3

Listen to the skit · Shop “I’m Silly Silly”

“My chest looks like a fuckin’ wet blanket.”
“I eat raw meat. I shit vegetables.”
“Hey there, chisel chest!”

Body Building

Listen to the skit · Shop Sizzle Chest

“I weigh 245. I got hamstrings like animals.”
“They call me Big Hock!”

Big Hock

Listen to the skit · Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

“How do ya say there, bottlenose?”

Hucklebuck

Listen to the skit · Shop bottlenose · Shop Hucklebuck

“I’ll see you with my nub.”

Shop this line

“It’s a fucking tuba!”

Shop this line

“Gazpacho muy caliente!”

Shop this line

“He’s full of fuckin’ shit!”

Shop this line

“I need to dance, you fucker!”

Shop this line

“Nelson?”

Shop this line

“Jimb.”

Shop this line

“Oh, it’s appropriate!”

Shop this line

Sol Rosenberg

The opposite of Rizzo. Neurotic, polite, and always falling apart.

“Hello, I bought glasses there. My name is Sol Rosenberg.”
“And my eyes are going crazy.”
“Should I bring all my glasses with me?”

Sol’s Glasses · Album 1

Listen to the skit · Shop Sol’s Glasses of New York

“God help us. God help us. Jesus, God n Baby Jesus help us!”

Sol’s Phobia · Album 2

Listen to the skit · Shop Baby Jesus

“I have uddah lawn chairs.”
“I don’t think I can walk no more…”

Shop this line

“Piss clams.”

The nudus-camp call

Shop the tee · Shop the hat

“He said bad, awful things and I fell down the stairs, and my shoes fell off.”

Want this on a shirt? Tell us.

Jack Tors

When asked to spell the last name: “T-o-r… s.”

“I pickle they.”

I Pickle They

Listen to the skit · Shop the tee · Frank’s Pickle Barrel-Ass

“T-o-r… s.”

Want this on a hat? Tell us.

Kamal

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
“My daughter is sick, my wife is sick, and you’re talking about coupon?”

Terrorist Pizza · Album 2

Listen to the skit · Want “coupon” on a shirt? Tell us.

Lines that named albums

Two Jerky Boys calls walked out of Queens and onto other people’s record sleeves.

“Pablo, honey. Please come to Florida.”
“Pablo, honey. Are you washing your ass, Pablo?”
“Keep yourself clean, honey.”

Pablo Honey · Album 2. Radiohead named their debut after this call and sampled it on “How Do You?”

Listen to the skit · Shop the tee · Shop the hat

“My wife loves that Greek shit. She’ll suck your cock like souvlaki.”

Hotel-manager call. Slowdive named their second album Souvlaki after this line.

Want a Souvlaki wordmark? Tell us.

Shop the quotes

These are the lines we already print. Character portraits and logo gear live in t-shirts and hats.

Want a line we do not print yet?

If a quote above has no shirt, or you have another one you actually wear, leave your email. When we make it, we will tell you. No newsletter, just that product.

Why these quotes still work

Character, not a punchline

Frank Rizzo is aggressive confidence. Sol Rosenberg is nervous confusion. Jack Tors lives in total misunderstanding. The line is funny because the person saying it will not drop the bit.

Ordinary places

Tile shops, mechanics, opticians, pizza counters. The calls work because the other person thinks it is a real day at work.