Bad Ass Massage

The Jerky Boys, album 3

Title: Bad Ass Massage

Characters: Big Ole’ Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler

Summary:

The skit begins with a phone call to a massage parlor, where a man inquires about getting a massage specifically for his backside due to discomfort from driving a truck all day. He’s rather insistent and uses colorful language to describe the state of his backside, requesting a massage to alleviate the discomfort.

Despite the receptionist’s attempts to offer different types of massages, the caller persists in emphasizing his need for attention to his rear end. He speaks loudly and aggressively, causing confusion and frustration for the staff attending to the call. He repeatedly emphasizes the state of his backside, comparing it to unusual and humorous things like ricotta cheese in a plastic bag or a pillow stepped on by a football team.

The exchange escalates as the caller continues to emphasize the urgency and condition of his backside while the receptionist tries to explain the limitations of their services. Eventually, the receptionist decides to hang up on the caller due to his persistent and disruptive behavior.

Overall, the skit humorously highlights the miscommunication and frustration that arises from the caller’s insistence on an unconventional and specific request for a massage, focusing solely on his backside, while the receptionist tries to navigate the conversation professionally.

Transcript:

0:01 Phone rings…

0:04 Voice 1: “Hi. This is the [Inaudible 00:00:04].”

0:05 Voice 2: “Howdy, ma’am? Hello?”

0:09 Voice 1: “Hello?”

0:10 Voice 2: “Yes. I’d like to get a massage.”

0:14 Voice 1: “You want to get a massage [Inaudible 00:00:14]?”

0:16 Voice 2: “It don’t matter to me who does it, woman.”

0:19 Voice 1: “Well, she is the only one, sir. Are you a client of hers?”

0:21 Voice 2: “Well, I haven’t been. But I’m lookin’ to be now.”

0:24 Voice 1: “OK. What kind of massage are you lookin’ for?”

0:27 Voice 2: “Well, me specifically I am tryin’ to get just a massage on my ass because I drive a truckin’ trailer and I’m on my ass all day. You know what I’m sayin’?”

0:38 Voice 1: “OK, sir. They do – she has several different kinds of massages here. But that…”

0:42 Voice 2: “What is it there? That damn there shiatsu? That Yahtzee, that Yahtzee massage? What type are they doin’ over there?”

0:49 Voice 1: “OK. They do Rosen therapy.”

0:52 Voice 2: “Goddamn it, woman. I tell you what. You listenin’ to me?”

0:58 [Dial tone]

0:59 [Beeping]

1:00 [Phone rings]

1:03 Voice 3: [Inaudible 00:01:03].

1:04 Voice 2: “Yes. I seem to have been disconnected. Is this the young woman I spoke to?”

1:09 Voice 3: “No, it’s not. What can I do?”

1:11 Voice 2: “Yes. I’m tryin’ to get a massage.”

1:13 Voice 3: “All right. Have you been in before?”

1:15 Voice 2: “No, ma’am, I haven’t. But she said there is some [Inaudible 00:01:17] there.”

1:19 Voice 3: “Sir, you are yelling at me? What was the…?”

1:21 Voice 2: “Well, this is the way I speak. I mean I’m a little [Inaudible 00:01:24].”

1:25 Voice 3: “OK. What type of appointment did you want?”

1:27 Voice 2: “Specifically I want my ass done because my ass is – it’s a mess. You understand me?”

1:33 Voice 3: “Yeah, I do. But I don’t know that she’ll do that.”

1:35 Voice 2: “Well, I only want one part done and that’s just my ass. I mean my ass got ricotta cheese in a plastic bag if you know what I’m sayin’.”

1:45 Voice 3: “OK. Yeah. I don’t…”

1:47 Voice 2: “All I am sayin’ is I am big boy is my rear end kind of looks like a pillow that’s been stepped on by football team with cleats.”

1:55 Voice 3: “Sir, you don’t have to tell me again.”

1:57 Voice 2: “I’m just lookin’ to get me a little rub down to get some of them little bubbles out that cellulite bubbles stuff so I can ride my truck and not feel so damn self-conscious. But damn woman, are you listenin’ to me?”

2:10 Voice 3: “Quit yelling at me.”

2:11 Voice 2: “But you are not listening to me, woman. I’m a good man.”

2:15 Voice 3: “I am listening to you if you were listening to me.”

2:19 Voice 2: “I mean you know you ever see some of ’em cattle land? My ass look like a cattle-wrestler. That other young lady told me. [Inaudible 00:02:25] the best in the county. He could do a side of beef that would make it more tender than a damn wet pillow.”

2:31 Voice 3: Sir, I’m going to hang up on you. You can call somebody else.